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Smarter Than Albert Einstein

A man went to church and listened to the sermon. After church he told the pastor that he thought he was smarter than Albert Einstein. The pastor asked the many why he would think that and the man saud, "Well, Pastor, I've been told that there are only ten people in the world who can understand Eistein and I'm convinced that nobody can....
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No More Vices

When I noticed a broken vise grip in the trash can, I decided to buy my husband a new one for his birthday. I went to the hardware store and asked the salesman, "Do you have any heavy- duty vises?"

"Sorry, ma'am," he replied. "I gave them all up for Lent."

....
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Giving Up Candy For Lent

A man walks into a church, outside of mass hours and finds the priest.

He pulls out a gun and says, “Give me everything you have.”

The priest panics and desperately searches his pockets.

He doesn’t have any money on him, but h....
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Fish 'n' chips

It is the third Friday of Lent, and a faithful parishioner stumbles through pouring rain past hamburger huts and steak houses into a monastery and requests shelter. He's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.....
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The First Friday of Lent

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood me....
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One Man's Sausage Is Another Man's Meat

A Catholic priest spied a parishioner enjoying some tasty smoked sausage on Friday during Lent -- a strict no-no in the church. The priest, being a pragmatic soul, told the man for his penance he was to bring a load of lumber to the church to help repair the roof.

The man grumbled, but went off to do hi....
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Happiest Man

A newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness, kissed his wife and said: "Oh that’s great, I'm the happiest man in the world."

T....
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Wedding Blues

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

....
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Living A Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I....
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Marriage Unhappiness

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was

alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic

to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the

darkened r....
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Brave Men

Admiral McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrived at the military camp and was greeted by Marshall.

They both walked around the place, and McKenzie asked, "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained."

"I....
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If It Is God's Will

A man was trying to lose weight and decided to take an alternate route to work so he wouldn’t be tempted when he drove past his favorite donut shop each day. That worked well for awhile but one day he absentmindedly took his old route to work. When he realized what he was doing, he thought, "This must be a sign from the Lord."....
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Get Behind Me Satan

A little boy always went next door to play in the neighbor’s yard even though his mom told him not to. So she asked him why he was so disobedient. He told her that Satan tempted him and he didn’t know what to do. So his mom told him to say, “Get behind me Satan” whenever he was tempted. Then just to ....
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Commitment To Prayer

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduc....
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Commitment to Prayer

Church Commitment

Three Pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I&#....
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Relational Commitment

Mary and Jill met at a local coffee shop and were having a heart-to-heart chat about relationships.

Jill said, "I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment!"

Mary stated in agreement, "Tell me about it! I dated one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.&quo....
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A Contribution

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place.

Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast,&quo....
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Finding Fault

The Pope is visiting DC and President Obama takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac . . . sailing on the presidential yacht.

They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden the Pope's hat (ecclesiastical skullcap) blows off his head and out into the water.

Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Obama wave....
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Redneck Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Cathol....
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Valrntine Dreams

One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave i....
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Practical Present

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smil....
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Communicating Feelings

A little girl and a little boy were at daycare one day.

The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"

He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?....
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Communicating Feelings

Misinterpretation

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This one outlines the ru....
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Do Something Nice

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some in....
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Aging Humorously

There were three sisters—ages 92, 94, and 96—who lived together. One night, the 96-year-old drew a bath. She put one foot in, then paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 94-year-old hollered back, "I don't know, I'll come and see." She started up the stairs, but stopped on the firs....
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Church

After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.

The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."....
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Flirting

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson ....
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Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts." "He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening....
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Butt Dust

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me an....
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Judgment Day

A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgement Day and, of course, he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could.

"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal fl....
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Salary Increase

A boss told his employees that she was planning a salary raise.

One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."....
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Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy clas....
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Eye Trouble

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes involuntarily followed her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, "Was that worth the trouble you're in?"....
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Mind Your Own Business

A middle-aged man was waiting for the bus. While he waited, he watched a young boy eat five candy bars, one right after the other.

He said to the boy, "Eating all that candy is bad for your health and can rot your teeth."

The boy replied, "Mister, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old!"
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Don't Tell

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."....
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Strengths And Weaknesses

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality, sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. ....
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How Much You Love Your Mother

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call....
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Stupid People

"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!

The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"....
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Right and Wrong

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he bl....
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Sucker!

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the nickel you gave me."

"The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at ....
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Mummy Heart Failure

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which ....
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Miranda Rights

A 5-year-old girl was playing wedding with her dolls. First she played the role of the bride's mother who assigned specific duties, then suddenly becoming the bride with her "teddy bear" groom. She picked him up and said to the "minister" presiding over the wedding, "Now you can read us our rights." Without missing a beat, She became the minis....
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Three Cheers For The Baptists

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on foldi....
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Vegetative State

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.....
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Hymns vs. Choruses

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses," said his wife, "W....
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Signs You are Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

5. You look at your roommate and see....
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Baptism Service

A four-year-old was watching the baptismal service at her church. Later that night, she took all her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."....
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Keep Pushing

A young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally, two men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you push me to the gas station?"

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a ga....
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Upset Wife

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"....
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There They Go Again

As Christians, it is our responsibility to be a witness to our neighbors but, also, to let our witness show by our faithfulness in the family of God and the house of God every opportunity we can. As our neighbors watch us leave on Sunday morning, they will say "There they go again."

As our neighbors watch us leave Sunday e....
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Family Devotions

A family did a devotional study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, they were reviewing what they had learned. When asking their seven year-old what book in the Bible they found the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!"....
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Born A Lutheran

Each Friday night after work,Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinto....
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The Perishing Parish

A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this church is going to hell if they don't change their ways."

One man in the back began to laugh.

So the pastor said it again louder.

The man continued to laugh.

The pastor went ....
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Marriage License

A wife and husband-to-be were at the county clerk's office to get their marriage license. After recording the vital information; names, dates of birth, etc. the clerk handed the man the license and with a deadpan face said, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."....
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Praying For Food

Little Dewey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Dewey received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Dewey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

"I don't need to," ....
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Mary's Husband

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"

Another child said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did yo....
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Picking A New Pope

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood ....
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What Are You Here For?

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got....
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Calling Mom

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man said, "That's terrible. Why h....
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Joining The Church

After the service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. I hadn't met the husband before, and I asked what church he was transferring from.

After a short hesitation, he replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."....
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What's Worse

"Once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing, he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." --Thomas De Quincey....
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Late For Sunday School

A young boy came to Sunday School late.

His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to hi....
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What Kind Of Music Do You Sing?

"What kind of music do you sing?"

"Aqua-pella."

"Don't you mean 'a cappella', singing without instrumental accompaniment?"

"Nope. I mean 'aqua-pella', singing accompanied only by the water coming out of the shower-head."....
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Who Am I?

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science.

She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy ....
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Selecting The Next Pope

Jewish Traditions

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.

On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.

....
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Encouraging The Sick

Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."....
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Life Changes

A guy dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."....
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Dog Barking Payback

A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.

The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.

The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Hone....
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Children Behave Themselves

A local church took pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained:
"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired....
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Man of Few Words

Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, was popularly known as "Silent Cal." One time at a party, a woman walked up to him and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose."....
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Mom's Name

One day while shopping, a mother's little chatter bug daughter who was three at the time introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out.

She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said and to the lady, "This is my mom. Her name is Mom."....
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Getting Attention

A teenager was headed to school one morning when his mom told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.

"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."

Weeks later, as the style persisted, his mom commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix ....
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Sermon From Wife

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"....
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Lesson On Creation

A Sunday School teacher was teaching her class about creation which also included her 3 year-old daughter. She asked the children questions like, "Who made the trees?" or "Who made the sun?" and the children would respond, "God did."

At home she tried to get her daughter to pick up her toys. One day she....
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What Is Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was only eight days away. A Sunday School teacher decided to ask her preschoolers about the upcoming holiday. She thought it would be effective to have the class playfully correct some wrong ideas about Thanksgiving.

"Now let me see. Thanksgiving. That's the day when we think about all the stuff we have. And how we....
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All Knowing Santa

A family was putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve and the father accidentally dropped one. "No problem," he said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

"You can't do that," argued his four-year-old.

"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
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Christmas Shopping With Children

A grandmother was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping with her grandchildren. While rushing them into the car, four-year-old Jason said, "Grandma, Susie has something in her pocket." He reached in and pulled out a new red barrette.

Though she was tired, the grandmother knew it was important for Susie to put the....
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Twelve Days Of Fast Food

On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Th....
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Gift Of Children

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."....
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Teaching Children About Christmas

The Season of Advent was beginning, and a pastor wanted to inform the children that, according the Bible, Jesus is coming twice, once as the baby in the manger, and then as King.

So he asked the children, "How did Jesus come the first time?"

One child answered, "Down the chimney."....
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Dreading Death

An attorney drafted wills for an elderly couple who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered them into his office. "Now," he said, "which one of you wants to go first?"....
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Dreading The Meeting

A father was on his way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and was dreading it. The look on his face must have given him away because his five-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy," he told her.

"Oh," she said. &qu....
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Charity Better than Expected

Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.

When the little girls s....
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Jesus' Granny

The little boy came home from his first day at Sunday School. He told his mother that his Sunday school teacher was Jesus' granny.

"How did you reach that conclusion?" his mother asked.

"Well, she never stops talking about Jesus," he replied.....
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The Trinity

On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular.

After a month, the boy came home and said casually, "By the way Dad, I learned what Trinity means!....
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Terror Cells in Church

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians an....
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It Hurts My Ears

Justin, age 10, and his sister Taylor, age 13, were always teasing each other. One day, Justus was getting "sensitive" about things his sister was saying to him. his mother reminded him that he had said the same types of things many times in days past.

With quiet reflection, he spoke a gospel truth: "But it doesn't hu....
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Staying Impartial

A newly assigned district court judge was nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial. As a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant.

The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury. "The jury," he said, "is to c....
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Who’s the Boss?

A boss was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: &q....
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Marital Faithfulness

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I....
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Work Station

“A bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops and a work station...”....
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A Touch Of Home

Although a couple was being married in New Hampshire, they wanted to add a touch of their home state, Kansas, to the wedding. The man's fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that they were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

The friend thought for a moment. Then said solemnly, "It's a good th....
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Getting Into A Man's Billfold

Marriage CPR

A woman in an office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," the woman replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years.&qu....
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Forgiven And Forgotten

A husband did something really stupid in his marriage. His wife chewed him out for it. He apologized and they made up. However, from time to time, the wife mentions what he did.

"Honey," the husband finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
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Greatful Dead

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"....
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An Honest Wife

When the pastor of a conservative small-town congregation received the gift of a white suit from a friend, he was a bit reluctant to wear it. But since it was so attractive and a perfect fit, he decided to put it on one warm Sunday. As he was leaving for church, he asked his wife what she thought of his attire. After giving him the once-over, she ....
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Going To Heaven

A Sunday School teacher asked her second graders: "How many of you would like to go to heaven?"

All of them raised their hands except one little boy who sadly said, "I'm sorry, but my Mom told me to come right home after Sunday School."....
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Being Possible

A minister was making a home visit to one of the younger families in his parish. A five-year-old boy answered the front door and told the minister his mother would be there shortly. To make some conversation, the minister asked the little guy what he would like to be when he grows up. The boy immediately answered, "I'd like to be possible.&qu....
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Jesus In My Heart

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down the....
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Marriage Reason

During a friendly argument, a husband asked his wife why she married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," the wife teased teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, his wife requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard....
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Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between....
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How To Stop Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoho....
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Blockhead Love

In a Peanuts cartoon strip Lucy comes up to Charlie Brown and does something that is very unusual for her. She says, “I love you.” But Charlie Brown keeps responding by saying, “No, you don't.” And each time Lucy answers a little louder, “Yes I do, I really love you.” But Charles Brown has been rejected so many ....
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Someone With Skin On

A little boy who cried out in the night. "Daddy, I'm scared!"

Half awake Daddy said, "Don't be afraid, Daddy's right across the hall."

There was a brief pause and the little boy called out, "I'm still scared."

So Daddy pulled out the big guns, "You don't have to be afr....
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Bowls Of Money

A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.

Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."....
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Sleepy Sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

And the gentleman repli....
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Powerful Interest

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other ,"What about the powerful interest that controls you?"

And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"....
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Do You Know Who I Am?

Hospital waiting room. One rather self-important individual was getting impatient. Unwilling to wait any longer, he barged in and demanded to be seen by the doctor. "Don't you know who I am?" Shouted the man. The secretary calmly pressed the button on the microphone of her loudspeaker system and asked the waiting patients. "I have a....
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Chet's Graduation

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Chet.

At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Chet graduate, let Chet graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Chet one last chance.

"If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left ha....
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God's Location

A little boy's finch died. It was winter so the mother couldn't bury the bird, so she flushed it down the toilet. She didn't realize that he had seen her do this until she heard him crying behind here. Trying to make him feel better, she told him that his bird was with God now.

The boy stopped crying, looked at his mom a bit bewilde....
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I Have A Dollar

The Junior Sunday School Teacher asked her eight eager children if they would give $1,000,000 to the missionaries. "YES!" they all screamed!! "Would you give $1,000?" Again they shouted, "YES!" "How about $100?" "Oh, YES we would!" they all agreed!! "Would you give just a dollar to....
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Bad Grades In School

A young woman named Donna who got good grades in high school was in her first year of college. She had done poorly on one of her courses. In an attempt to prepare her parents she wrote her mother, "If you see an unfamiliar letter on my report card, remember it's just my first initial.

Signed, Donna." As the time neared for....
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Case Dismissed

Several women, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence. I'll hear from the oldest person first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testim....
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Do I Come Here Often?

A well-put together, elderly gentleman left his Maserati Gran Turismo with the valet, entered the restaurant and asked to be seated at a table away from a lovely, well-dressed woman who appeared to be in her well-kept eighties.

He ordered a drink and took a sip. He then calmly turned his head in her direction, nodded politely as the....
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Bologna Fly

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.

One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in t....
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Counting Ribs

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awak....
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Sorry I'm Late Mom

Late one night a woman was awakened by the ringing of her phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice she said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting ....
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Will to Remember

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business ....
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A Final Farewell

A bagpiper was recently asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

The bagpiper wasn't familiar with the backwoods and got lost, and, being a typical guy he didn't stop for dir....
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Walking On Water

A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pour....
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Child Assistance

A man was walking through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As he descended a hill, he saw a woman coming toward him, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.

"We're coming to a hill," the mother announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me -- are yo....
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"The Bar vs. The Baptists

In a small midwestern conservative town, a business owner began to construct a building for a new bar. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however, right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground....
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Fifthy People Swindled

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

....
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Senior Complainers

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remembe....
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Worst Decision Yet

A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that he went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.

"Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied.
Confused, the king asked, "Yet?"

To which the advisor replied, "Well, it'....
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Display Of Teamwork

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children lept from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That,....
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No Assistance From God

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear consci....
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Job Excellence

A man came into an auto-body shop with a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.

The worker spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased. "What's wrong?" the worker asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven ....
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Say Something Positive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all fla....
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Say Something Positive

The Truth

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife said peeking at the card, "and i....
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Don't Quit

After playing 18 holes of golf, a foursome was sitting around the clubhouse settling bets when another golfer stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this stupid game up!"....
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What?

My husband says I never listen to him; at least I think that's what he said.....
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Becoming One

When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.....
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We're Number One

A new coach of a Little League baseball team had not yet learned the names of his players.

At their first game he called each boy by the number on his uniform. When he yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," Jeff Smith came to the plate. When he called for "Number 7," Steve Heinz jumped up. Then he yelled for "....
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Church Funeral

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it....
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Tipping Waitress

After examining the paltry tips left by a church group, the waitress was not pleased. Looking toward another table, she grumbled, "Those people come in with the Ten Commandments and a ten-dollar bill, and they don't break any of them!"....
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Falling In Love

Halfway through a romantic dinner out, a husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." The wife was falling in love all over again until he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."....
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Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." S....
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Undertaker Humor

Two keys were hanging in the undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other one was for the flower car in the garage.

Two small signs were above the keys; one read "Hymn" and the other "Hearse."....
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Mother's Prejudice

Two mothers met for coffee. "Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"

"To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!" says Ruth. "She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She....
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Mother's Intuition

A woman decided she didn't have a mother's intuition. Her sister left her alone in a restaurant with her 10-month old nephew. She asked, "What do I do if he cries?"

The mother said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.....
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Going Out?

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

"Going out?" I called to them hopefully.

"No," said the man. "Just friends."....
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End Of An Era

At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian. He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian. He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"....
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Finding A Wife

When the famous politician and orator William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925) was a young man, he went to the home of the father of his prospective wife to ask him for her hand in marriage. Bryan was determined to impress the father by quoting from the Bible, and he chose Proverbs 18:22: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor f....
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What The End Can Endure

There is a saying about preaching: "The mind can only take in what the end can endure." With that said...

A church had hard wooden pews, so it was good news when the Pastor announced, "The Women's Fellowship will refurbish the pews with cushions." Then he chuckled, "Now, my sermons can be 30 minu....
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Jail Time

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. "That's a long time," I observed.

"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me."

"What's that?"

"If I had killed your brothe....
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Replacing Dead Judge

A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after mid- night. "I need to talk to the governor, it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.

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Long Winded

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, ....
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"Bearly" Audible

At a wedding the little boy who was the ring bearer marched deliberately down the aisle, letting out a loud "Grrr" with each step. As he passed, everyone smiled and wondered what the boy was doing. After the ceremony, curiosity got the better of the pastor, who asked him, "Why were you making those loud 'Grrs' as you came down the a....
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Valentine Puns

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? A hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!
....
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Disease Named After You

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."....
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Needs To Go To Church

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. "I haven't gone in a long time," she said. "Besides, it's too late for me. I've probably already broken all seven commandments."....
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Save Our Siblings

A third-grade Sunday school teacher was giving a Bible lesson on the commandment, honor thy father and thy mother.

"Now, does anyone know a commandment for brothers and sisters?"

One sharp girl raised her hand and said, "'Thou shalt not kill.'"....
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They Grow Up So Fast

It wasn't until her 14-year-old son, answered the telephone one afternoon that his mother realized how quickly he had grown.

"Hello?" he said, in his ever-deepening voice. Then he handed the receiver to his mom.
"Who is it?", she asked.

"Someone ..." he replied matter-of-factly, &q....
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Count Me Out

Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the ....
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Daughter's Name

A dyslexic man attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked him to share a personal experience with the group. He told them stress aggravates his condition, in which he reverses words and letters when he's tense.

When he finished speaking, his friend leaned over and whispered to him, "Now I know wh....
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The Second Cup

The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.

"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of ....
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Hard Worker

Marina worked in a law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. The boss answered the phone and said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and the boss reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

....
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Marry Any Girl

When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, "Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.....
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Dead Politicians

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" aske....
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You're not a kid anymore when....

1. You're asleep but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.

4. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.

5. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount.

6. You are proud of y....
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Talking In Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the ba....
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One Seat Allowed

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to cal....
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Mommy! Mommy!

At the supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one ....
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Twenty To Life

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Proba....
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Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman ....
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Let Go Of The Brick

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the ....
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No Good At Math

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"

She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."....
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Comments Never Heard At Church

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunt....
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Wrong Part

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he recei....
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Pull The Plug

Hollywood Movie

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion:

In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "George Clooney.&q....
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Growing Up

Little Jimmy says to mom, "When l grow up l want to be a man!" Mom says, "Don't be silly, you can't do both!"....
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Walking In Their Shoes

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you talk about them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!!!!....
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Critical Eye

On their way to the grandparents' house for dinner one evening, a mom glanced over at her 15-year-old daughter and said, "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" The daughter just rolled her eyes at her mother and gave her one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

When they arrived, the grandmother greeted her daughter at the door, ....
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Wake Up!

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the ....
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Room For Learning

The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."....
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Give What You Have

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"

"Yes."

"And if you had a cow?"

"Absolutely."

"And a goat?"

"Sure."

"A pig?"

&q....
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What Did You Say?

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded.......
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Who Is Satan?

A friend teaching the 7th grade Bible class at a Christian school told her students that Adam and Eve weren't the first ones who chose to sin. She asked her students, "Who was Satan before he fell?"

Savannah's hand shot up. "I know his name! He was Ludicrous!"....
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Teeth Provided

A street evangelist trying to get the attention of passersby. He urged those near him to flee from the wrath to come.

"I warn you," he roared, "that there will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!"

An old woman in the crowd shouted snidely: "Sir, I have no teeth!"
....
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Obnoxious Man

At a dinner party, one of the guests was an obnoxiously loud young man. He made disparaging remarks about everyone and everything. When served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "I suppose this is pig?"

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you ....
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People Just Don't Listen

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly le....
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Beauty Is Skin Deep

A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.

When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He st....
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Giving Thanks

My family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.

At Thanksgiving we had the whole fa....
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Poor Choice Of Words

A seminary student was leading the music for a small church. His first Sunday "jitters" became apparent after the choir completed a beautiful special number and, relieved, he turned to the congregation and said, "Let's all stand and sing, 'When We All Get to Heaven' while the choir goes down below."....
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Pain Management

A mother was pregnant with her second child and was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.

Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"....
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Paying Taxes

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
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Biting Nails

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and noticing her long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness....
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Mariage Conditions

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary repl....
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Birthday/Anniversary

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a "birthday/anniversary card."

The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating....
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Come Back For Hubby

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here ....
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I'd Rather Walk

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that ....
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The Prodigal Comes Home

The Religious Ed teacher was reading this story of the Prodigal Son to his class, clearly emphasizing the resentment the older brother expressed at the return of his brother. When he was finished telling the story, he asked the class, "Now who was really sad that the prodigal son had come home?"

After a few minutes of sile....
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Looking For Pastor

After 50 years preaching from the same pulpit, a much loved pastor decided to retire. Because the church building was classically elegant, the manse spacious and comfortable and the congregation large and generous, applications poured in. The board of elders was faced with the daunting task of sifting through the resumes to find a replacement. One....
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Being Rude

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one....
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Reason To Be Patriotic

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be grateful for is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the....
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What It Takes

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ’I’ in the word ‘marriage.’”

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling."....
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Giving the Worst to Church

Around Thanksgiving a few years ago, radio commentator Paul Harvey shared a true story of a woman and her frozen Thanksgiving turkey.

The Butterball Turkey Company set up a telephone hotline to answer consumer questions about preparing holiday turkeys. One woman called to inquire about cooking a turkey that had been in the bottom of....
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The Difference

Really Bad Predictions

In an article in The Futurist magazine, writer Laura Lee catalogues some of the worst predictions of all time:

"Inventions have long since reached their limit, and I see no hope for further developments." —Roman engineer Julius Sextus Frontinus, A.D. 100

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will....
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Unsafe Driver

Parked on the side of the road, waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. Thinking the driver is as dangerous as a speeder, the state trooper turns on his lights and pulls the car over.

As he approaches the vehicle, the officer notices there are five elderly ladies inside—two in t....
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Anniversary Gift

Ralph and Janice were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Pastor Jones decided to take advantage of their longevity by using their story as a sermon illustration. He asked Ralph to come on stage and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.

Ralph turned to the congregation and sa....
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Search The Scriptures

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition, yet he still seemed to be doing well.

Curious as to why, the college graduate asked his friend, "How has everything been going with you?"

The les....
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You Need A Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."

After about a ....
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God Is Missing

A couple had two boys, 8 and 10, who were always getting into trouble. The parents were certain if any mischief occurred in the community that their two young sons were involved. They were at a loss as to what to do about their behavior.

Then the mother heard about a clergyman who'd been successful in disciplining children, so s....
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Getting Baptized

A little girl had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, "Honey, what does baptism mean?"

"Well, it isn't the water that makes you clean … " she began.

Smiling, Mother thought, "Yes, she understands."<....
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Bored At Church

A little boy asked his father how high he had ever counted. His dad said, "I didn't know, how high have you counted?" The boy said, "It was 5,372. "

"Oh," said his father. "Why did you stop there?"

"Church was over." his son replied.
....
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Why Men Don't Write Advise Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I....
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Procrastinator's Creed

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4....
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Zoo Trip

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?"....
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X-Ray Failure

The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.

"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.

"I do." said the student.

"A fine picture," the professor said, &....
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Library Argument

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.
<....
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Breakfast Order

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.

He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a....
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What Does It Take?

A cartoon strip shows Dennis the Menace in bed between his mother and father, with the blanket pulled up to his chin, "A little thunder doesn't scare me," he says. "It's just a lot of thunder that makes me afraid."....
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Problems Remembering

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, &quo....
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Prepared For Marriage

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."....
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Being Like Jesus

A mom was reading a bedtime story to her little 3-year-old son, when he suddenly said, "Mommy, I want to be like Jesus."

The mother was filled with joy and began to get emotional over his apparent spiritual maturity, until he continued: "So I won't have to go to bed."....
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Wrong Turn

The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"....
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Remedy For Fear

John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
<....
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Who Wears The Pants

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his friends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?"

&quo....
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Honest Lawyer?

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates."

"Our w....
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Trusted Teachers

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year ....
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Was That God?

A little girl was taking her first train ride with her parents. As night descended, the mother took the girl, who was clearly quite anxious, and placed her on the upper bunk of the sleeper. She told her little one that up there she would be nearer to God and that God would watch over her.

As silence enveloped the young lady she beca....
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From The Mouth Of Babes

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church.

One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny br....
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The Top Ten Things You Learned From Your Father

10.When he was your age, kids had to walk six miles to school in the snow and rain . . . uphill both ways.

9. If he had acted like you, his father would have knocked him into the middle of next week.

8. When he was your age, kids had to make their own fun.

7. You weren’t born in a barn.....
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Learning To Tie Shoes

A little girl had been trying for months to learn the art of tying her shoes. She finally grasped the knack and was able to do it by herself. Her parents expected the child to be delighted, but were surprised by her disappointment. Her father asked why she was crying. She sobbed, “I just learned how to tie my shoes.” He said, &ldqu....
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Making Arrangements

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"

The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring a....
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Typical Female

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."....
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Whose The Daddy

A little boy and girl were trying to decide what games they could play together. The little boy said, "I have an idea -let's play baseball." but the little girl said, "Oh, no, I wouldn't want to do that; baseball is a boy's game. It's not feminine to run around on a dusty field." So the boy replied, "Ok, then, let's play f....
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Like Father, Like Son

In a cartoon entitled, "Like Father, Like Son," a family is setting in the first scene at the dinner table and the son tells his father, "I hate fish." To which the father replied, "You don't hate fish... You only think you hate fish.....
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Sentimental Father

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood there looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, excitement, and skepticism. Touched by this unusual display of deep emotions, with teary eyes she slipped h....
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Accidental Bravery

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formul....
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Church Needs Money

Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk.&q....
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Proud Grandmother

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"

The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, &quo....
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Tragic Circumstances

I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my ....
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Motivation For Prayer

A little boy was sitting next to a grizzled holy man seated beside the Ganghes River. "Will you teach me to pray?" the boy asked. "Are you sure that you want to learn?" the holy man asked? "Yes, of course." With that the holy man grabbed the boy's neck and plunged his head into the water.

He held them there ....
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Prayer Changes Things

A mother sent her fifth grade boy up to bed. In a few minutes she went to make sure that he was getting in bed. When she stuck her head into his room, she saw that he was kneeling beside his bed in prayer. Pausing to listen to his prayers, she heard her son praying over and over again. "Let it be Tokyo! Please dear God, let it be Tokyo!"....
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Preaching On Sin

A Baptist pastor fresh out of seminary was assigned to a small church in the hills of Kentucky. In his first sermon, he condemned gambling, especially betting on the horses. The sermon was not well received. "You see, Reverend," a parishioner explained, "this whole area is known for its fine horses. Lots of our members make their li....
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Splintered Families

A cartoon strip showed a young woman talking to a minister. She said, "John and I are having a terrible time, and we need your advice. We are trying to decide how to divide the furniture, who gets what of the money we've saved and who gets custody of the children."

"Oh," the minister asked, "are you contempl....
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Noah's Snakes

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!"

He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."

&qu....
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Origin of Mankind

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race come about?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her mother the same question.

The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and....
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Getting Ready

A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet? We're going to be late for the costume party."

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, Ed, I've been telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!"....
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Jesus Has Lots Of Money

A 4-year-old named Jonathan, was accustomed to putting coins in the offering on Sundays. One morning, however, he asked his mother for a dollar. She gave it to him, but when the plate came to him, he snatched the dollar out faster than he'd put it in. "Jonathan, why did you do that?" his mom asked. He replied, &....
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Speeding Excuses

Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some favorites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The....
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Doctor's Orders

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He ....
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It's the Soap

One little girl had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, "Honey, what does baptism mean?"

"Well, it isn't the water that makes you clean … " she began.

Smiling, Mother thought, Yes, she understands.
....
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Playing Church

Three small children told their parents that they were going to "play church." The parents were pleased and proud at the same time.

But eventually they had to eat humble pie, when they spied their children running around in a panic, pretending to get dressed and yelling, "Hurry up!" "It's time for church!&....
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I'm a Moth

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "The light was on....
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The Evolution of Motherhood

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having the first.

YOUR CLOTHES: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular ....
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Fair Tax

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed,"....
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You might be a Mother If...

You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son’s favorite toy car and made him cry.

Your child throws up and you catch it.Someone else’s kid throws up at a birthday party and you keep o....
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Giving Blood

Priscilla Larson, of Lexington, Massachutsetts, tells of the time her brother-in-law (a preacher) had been away from home one afternoon donating his blood at the Red Cross.

The preacher’s son was a little concerned when his father didn’t come home by the time he usually did, and the boy asked his mother, “Is Dad g....
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A Dying Church

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
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Bored To Death

Preacher: "The people in this church are so thoughtful. They are dedicating a plaque to those who have died in the service."

Church member: "Which service--the morning or the evening?"....
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Graveside Observation

A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there.&qu....
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Sibling Takes

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

<....
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Is That God Talking?

Our family went to a college football game together. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"....
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FBI Opening For Assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room ....
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Marriage Teachings

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marri....
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What Is Prayer?

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"

One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."....
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Time Efficiency

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.

"Why not?" he was asked.

"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast,&q....
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Diary Secrets

A little boy asked his mother, "What's that you're reading?"

"A diary."

"What's in it?", the boy asked.

Mom replied, "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair; It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's no....
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Starting To Date

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little....
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Sleeping On The Job

One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"....
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Blind Date Slap

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"N....
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Salary Raise

Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."....
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Kitten Revival

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.

A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "....
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Sin or Mistake?

A young woman asked for an appointment with her pastor to talk with him about a besetting sin about which she was worried. When she saw him, she said, "Pastor, I have become aware of a sin in my life which I cannot control. Every time I am at church I begin to look around at the other women, and I realize that I am the prettiest one in th....
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Preachin’ and Meddlin’

Two elderly, excited, Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, &....
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Peanut Preaching

A Pastor gave an unusual sermon one day, using a peanut to make several important points about the wisdom of God in nature.

After the service, one of his members greeted him at the door and said, "Very interesting, Pastor, I never expected to learn so much from a nut."....
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Lonely Cadet

When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy, there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me Men."

As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents' Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were homesick. The sign had been changed ....
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Frustrated Pastor

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!"

The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"....
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New Apartment

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," s....
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Sarahella

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

....
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News

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He ....
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Sarahella

Trying To Discern God's Will

A man was trapped on the top of his house during a flood. The water is swiftly rising. As this man sits on his roof, fearful of being swept away by the current, he cries out to God, "God please deliver me!"

A few moments later, a farmer friend arrives with his boat. "Hey, friend, want a ride to safety?" he asks.<....
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Remedy For Insomnia

When our local doctor began attending church services the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.

One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The mi....
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Updated Punishment

"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.

"I send him to o....
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Seen This?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"

"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"....
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God loves blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please l....
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Generous Ladies

Some years ago, members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.

When the little girls ....
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Gone Huntin'

A young man from the city went to visit his uncle on his farm in North Carolina.

For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things: chickens, cows, crops and such.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew wass getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things with which to amuse him.<....
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Maternal Neglect

Young Timmy was always a tenacious tyke. One day his teach, Miss Updyke, asked her young student.

"Timmy, did you do your homework?"

"No, teacher," said the tyke.

"Do you have an excuse?" asked Miss Updyke.

"Yes," answered young Timmmy, "and it....
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From A Child's Viepoint

A WWII vet died and had a military burial with a color guard, taps, and a 21-gun salute. A few days later, a relative learned from a babysitter how their 4-year-old daughter had described the scene: "I went to a funeral. We went to a church, then we went to the seminary (cemetery) and everyone cried and cried. And then they shot Grandpa an....
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Jesus Knocking

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the ....
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Missionary Dining

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary.

I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Miss....
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Romantic Speech

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mm....
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Natural Cure

While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.

When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away.....
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A Time For Charity

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the ....
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Funeral Weather

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.

The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little ol man looked....
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Second Wife

In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?

"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she remind....
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Dying To Get Paid

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.

After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"....
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An Industrious Mother

Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.

Proud of her thrift and consequent savings, she boasted to father, "Just think, Fred, we are ten dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand!"

"Good," my dad qui....
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Husband's Homage to Mother-in-Law

"Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to...

Furthermore, whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it!

And don't forget to pick up something for my mom, too!&q....
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Making Breakfast For Mom

One Sunday morning my son, Teddy, burst into the kitchen with a level of exuberance that only a small child can exhibit. To his surprised he found me preparing a big breakfast for his mom.

Teddy asked, "Why are you making Mommy breakfast? Is she sick?"

"No, Teddy," I replied, "It's Mothe....
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The Silent Treatment

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me?"

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"....
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Live to 100

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you ....
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Helping Yourself

The escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.

I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step when a man behind me grabbed it and carried it to the top.

"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.
<....
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Men vs. Women

Changing a Light Bulb:

Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.....
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Prompt Departure

A mother-in-law visits her daughter and son-in-law's family just before leaving for a trip to Europe.

The mother-in-law and son-in-law are sipping coffee and chatting. Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, "My God! It's already 3 p.m., I'm about to miss my flight!"

Sh....
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Cramming For Finals

Every time a boy went to his playmate's house, he saw his grandmother studying her Bible. Finally, he asked his friend about it. "Why is you Grandmother always reading that Bible?" He answered, "I don’t know, but I think she is cramming for her finals."

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What God Looks Like

A little girl was in deep concentration over her drawing. Her mother asked her what she was drawing and received the curt reply, “God.” Her mother protested, “But no one knows what God looks like!” The little girl replied, “They will now!”....
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Bulletin Bloopers

The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of ....
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Preacher's Best Years

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were ....
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I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign ....
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Sermon Follow-Up

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.....
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Chicken Shack

Will Perdue walks into his psychiatrist's office and perches himself on the sofa.

"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck, I think I'm a chicken!" says Will.

"How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was an egg....
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Bob And Bill

Two neighbors had been feuding for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use Bill's yard as his own toilet. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog's filthy habit. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use Bill's yard, as well.

After about a year and a half of Bob's cow maneuring Bill's yard, one day a sem....
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Rat Race

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

....
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Doubting Thomas

Little Tommy walks into the family kitchen one fine morning and asks his mom, "Will you remember me in an hour?"

"Yes," answers mom.

"Will you remember me in a day?" asks Tommy.

"Yes," responds mom.

"Will you remember me in a week?" says T....
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Well Done

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."....
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How Old?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.

"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"

The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."....
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Dog Minded

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog. "It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."

"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."

The m....
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The First Man

A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.

"Hoss," answered young Willie.

"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."

"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of them Cartwrights."....
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Staying Together

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."....
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God's Will Be Done

A young man asked his father following the Church service “Dad, is God going to die?”

“Of course not, God can’t die” replied his father, “why do you ask?”

The son answered, “The Pastor kept saying that God’s will was being done.”....
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Long Sermon

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and refreshing."

The minister of course....
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Singing Happy Birthday

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings... They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. When they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get!"....
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Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a ....
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Differences in Religions

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy. "Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

&qu....
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Certainty Of Death

When I was younger I hated going to weddings -- the awkwardness of being around people I hardly knew, the annoying, loud dance-mix music at the receptions -- it was just not my "cup of tea" at all...

Also, it seemed that all of my great-aunts and the grandmotherly types, used to come up to me to poke me in the ribs and cac....
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Golf Philosophy

A pastor, a doctor and a philosophy professor were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "....
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Prayer To Be Good

A young boy was kneeling by his bed and saying his prayers and asked God to make him a good boy.

The boy's father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying:

"And make me a good boy if You can. But if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am."....
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God Sized

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?"

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

....
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Death By Golf

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.<....
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The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses...

10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.

9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore.

8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going.

7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.

6. Filled up for the "....
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Christmas Tree Hunt

Two goobers went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

....
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