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Doctor's Orders

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."....
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It's the Soap

One little girl had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, "Honey, what does baptism mean?"

"Well, it isn't the water that makes you clean … " she began.

Smiling, Mother thought, Yes....
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Playing Church
Three small children told their parents that they were going to "play church." The parents were pleased and proud at the same time.

But eventually they had to eat humble pie, when they spied their children running around in a panic, pretending to get dressed and yelling, "Hurry up!" "It's time for church!....
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I'm a Moth
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

Dentist:....
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The Evolution of Motherhood
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having the first.

YOUR CLOTHES: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular ....
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Fair Tax
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest.
There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"....
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You might be a Mother If...

You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re equal.

You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your son’s favorite toy car and made him cry.

Your child throws up and you catch it.Someone else’s kid throws up at a birthday party and you keep on eating.....
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Giving Blood
Priscilla Larson, of Lexington, Massachutsetts, tells of the time her brother-in-law (a preacher) had been away from home one afternoon donating his blood at the Red Cross.

The preacher’s son was a little concerned when his father didn’t come home by the time he usually did, and the boy asked his mother, “Is Dad g....
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A Dying Church
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque of names that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque, he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
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Bored To Death
Preacher: "The people in this church are so thoughtful. They are dedicating a plaque to those who have died in the service."

Church member: "Which service--the morning or the evening?"....
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Graveside Observation
A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."....
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Sibling Takes
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

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Is That God Talking?

Our family went to a college football game together. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that....
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FBI Opening For Assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test....
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Marriage Teachings

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

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What Is Prayer?
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"
One of her pupils answered, "Th....
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Time Efficiency
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.
"Why not?" he was asked.

"Well, I did a study of my wife's r....
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Diary Secrets
A little boy asked his mother, "What's that you're reading?"

A diary.

What's in it?
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Starting To Date
Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear.....
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Sleeping On The Job

One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as....
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Blind Date Slap
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

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Salary Raise
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
....
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Kitten Revival
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing t....
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Sin or Mistake?
A young woman asked for an appointment with her pastor to talk with him about a besetting sin about which she was worried. When she saw him, she said, "Pastor, I have become aware of a sin in my life which I cannot control. Every time I am a....
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Preachin’ and Meddlin’
Two elderly, excited, Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust,....
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Peanut Preaching
A Pastor gave an unusual sermon one day, using a peanut to make several important points about the wisdom of God in nature.

After the service, one of his members greeted him at the door and said, "Very interesting, Pastor, I never expected to learn so much from a nut."....
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Lonely Cadet
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy, there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents' Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were homesick. The sign had been changed to ....
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Frustrated Pastor

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!"

The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethre....
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New Apartment
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?....
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Sarahella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand a....
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News

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers....
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Sarahella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand a....
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Trying To Discern God's Will
A man was trapped on the top of his house during a flood. The water is swiftly rising. As this man sits on his roof, fearful of being swept away by the current, he cries out to God, "God please deliver me!"
A few moments later, a farmer friend arrives with his boat. "Hey, friend, want a ride to safety?" he asks.

....
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Remedy For Insomnia
When our local doctor began attending church services the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each....
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Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my....
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Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair ....
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God loves blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her busi....
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Generous Ladies

Some years ago, members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.

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Gone Huntin'
A young man from the city went to visit his uncle on his farm in North Carolina.

For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things: chickens, cows, crops and such.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew wass getting bored, and the uncle was running out of th....
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Maternal Neglect
Young Timmy was always a tenacious tyke. One day his teach, Miss Updyke, asked her young student,

"Timmy, did you do your homework?"

"No, teacher," said the tyke.

"Do you have an excuse?" asked Miss Updyke.

....
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From A Child's Viepoint
A WWII vet died and had a military burial with a color guard, taps, and a 21-gun salute. A few days later, a relative learned from a babysitter how their 4-year-old daughter had described the scene: "I went to a funeral. We went to a church, then we went to the seminary (cemetery) and everyone cried and cried. And the....
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Jesus Knocking

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently....
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Missionary Dining
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary.

I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal ....
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Romantic Speech
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you thin....
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Natural Cure
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get bet....
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A Time For Charity
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine chi....
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Funeral Weather
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant ligh....
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Second Wife
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "....
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Dying To Get Paid

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.

After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now,&quo....
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An Industrious Mother
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.
Proud of her thrift and consequent savings, she boasted to father, "Just think, Fred, we are ten dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand!"

"Good," my dad quickly replied. &q....
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Husband's Homage to Mother-in-Law
"Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to...

Furthermore, whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it!

And don't forget to pick up something for my mom, too!"....
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Making Breakfast For Mom
One Sunday morning my son, Teddy, burst into the kitchen with a level of exuberance that only a small child can exhibit. To his surprised he found me preparing a big breakfast for his mom.
Teddy asked, "Why are you making Mommy breakfast? Is she sick?"

"No, Teddy," I replied, "It's Mother's Day." <....
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The Silent Treatment
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me?"

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed that I have....
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Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
The escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.

I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step when a man behind me grabbed it and carried it to the top.

Every time a boy went to his playmate's house, he saw his grandmother studying her Bible. Finally, he asked his friend about it. "Why is you Grandmother always reading that Bible?" He answered, "I don’t know, but I think she is cramming for her finals."
....
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What God Looks Like
A little girl was in deep concentration over her drawing. Her mother asked her what she was drawing and received the curt reply, “God.” Her mother protested, “But no one knows what God looks like!” The little girl replied, “They will now!”....
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Bulletin Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amou....
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Preacher's Best Years
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's att....
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I'm the Boss

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day, when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign which read: ....
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Sermon Follow-Up
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how....
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Chicken Shack
Will Perdue walks into his psychiatrist's office and perches himself on the sofa.
"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck, I think I'm a chicken!" says Will.

"How long has this been going on?" asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was an egg!" says Mr. Perdue.
....
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Bob And Bill
Two neighbors had been feuding for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use Bill's yard as his own toilet. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog's filthy habit. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use Bill's yard, as well.
After about a year and a half of Bob's cow maneuring Bill's yard, one day a semi ....
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Rat Race

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."
....
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Doubting Thomas
Little Tommy walks into the family kitchen one fine morning and asks his mom, "Will you remember me in an hour?"
"Yes," answers mom.

"Will you remember me in a day?" asks Tommy.

"Yes," responds mom.

"Will you remember me in a week?" says Tommy.

"Sure!&....
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Well Done

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.

"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
....
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How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"

The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger.&quo....
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Dog Minded
A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."

"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie do....
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The First Man
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.
"Hoss," answered young Willie.

"Wrong," said the teacher. "It was Adam."

"Aw, shucks!" Willie replied. "I knew it was one of them Cartwrights."
....
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Staying Together

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and le....
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God's Will Be Done

A young man asked his father following the Church service “Dad, is God going to die?”

“Of course not, God can’t die” replied his father, “why do you ask?”

The son answered, “The Pastor kept saying that....
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Long Sermon
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in ....
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Singing Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings...
They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

When they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"D....
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Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"
....
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Differences in Religions

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy. "Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are....
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Certainty Of Death
When I was younger I hated going to weddings -- the awkwardness of being around people I hardly knew, the annoying, loud dance-mix music at the receptions -- it was just not my "cup of tea" at all...

Also, it seemed that all of my great-aunts and the grandmotherly types, used to come up to me to poke me in the....
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Golf Philosophy
A pastor, a doctor and a philosophy professor were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

....
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Prayer To Be Good
A young boy was kneeling by his bed and saying his prayers and asked God to make him a good boy.

The boy's father, passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying:

"And make me a good boy if You can. But if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am." Email this

God Sized
This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?"

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that....
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Death By Golf

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.

He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
<....
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The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses...
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.

9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvi....
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Christmas Tree Hunt

Two goobers went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether ....
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Getting Hitched in Heaven
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St. Peter aside and asked him if it was possible for them to be married.
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. "Check back after five years time, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it."
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Employee Gift
A new pastor, eager to make sure the church's employees would like him, called them together shortly before Christmas Day and told....
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Gift Excitement
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor....
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Tackle Box
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the....
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Soft Seven
A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a whi....
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Candle Help
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.
The priest said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donvan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Fadder."

My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must ha....
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Seeing Things My Way
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
....
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Pastor Search
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into....
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The Flower Girl Blues
My daughter was about 3 years old when my brother got married. The couple asked her to be the flower girl in their garden wedding.

A bit of a ham, she enjoyed the rehearsal just fine, but when she was all dressed up at the actual wedding, she balked.

We couldn't figure out why, until she tearfully explained that she....
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Playing God
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth......
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Stain Glass
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures i....
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Sister Temperance
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed a....
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Resolving to Rise
Tom had this problem of waking up late in the morning and was always late for work because he had problems getting to sleep.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed; it would help hi....
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Hear and There
An old, hearing-impaired gentleman visited his doctor.
The doctor warned him, "You have a heart murmur. Be careful."

Later that week, the doctor was very surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?" he....
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In the Big City
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the cement trail to the door," J....
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New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

S....
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Job Requirements
Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nic....
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Quick Proposal
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met ....
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Two Requests
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her pastor to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.

She told her pastor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted....
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Golf Cheater
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh....
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Pitching Control
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your probl....
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Letters To God
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."....
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Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding....
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Forgive Your Enemies
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he a....
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Billing Dilemma
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however....
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Fill er up
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been l....
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Who Is God
Lindsey was a four-year-old in my wife's Sunday school class. At the end of the lesson on Creation, my wife, Sherrie, asked, "Who made the earth?"

"God," a chorus of voices replied.

"And who made the sun?" Sherrie prompted.

The reply was unanimous. ....
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Bless The Cows

The minister once blessed his cows,
It seems that this was wise,
For when he milked them in the morn
The milk was pastorized.
....
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Laws of Parenting
1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, so....
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Ten MORE Things You Can't Say at Work (But Wish You Could!)
- "Ahhh...I see the muck-up fairy has visited us again..."
- "I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid."

- "I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's h....
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12 Things You Can't Say at Work (But Wish You Could!)

- "Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view."

- "What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?"

<....
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Independence Day
The teacher asked her pupils, "What is the significance of the 4th of July?"
After a few moments of hushed silence, Little Johnny raised his hand.

"Yes, Johnny," said Mrs. Hancock. "Please tell the class what the 4th of July is."

"Sure, Mrs. H," declared the boy, independently. "Th....
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Flu Prayer
A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been....
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Musings of Youngsters
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7

-----------

THE QUALITIES YOU NEED TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, t....
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An Ear for Music
Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying on the floor in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and ....
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Grandma Thanks
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. 'Would Grandma like to hav....
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Thanksgiving Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation ....
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You're No Longer A Kid When...
You're No Longer A Kid When...

- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

- You have friends w....
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Saying Grace
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned....
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An Honest Apology

During a family gathering at Thanksgiving, Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen...

"You naughty boy!" she scolded, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugl....
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Finding the Cure

A woman was complaining to an acquaintance that, no matter what she said to try to stop him, her husband always came home late.

"Take my advice," said the acquaintance, "Do what I did...

Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I ....
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Oneness
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candle....
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Boss Mabel
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."

"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her....
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Life With Father
John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his son if he got a part.

John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty-five years!"
<....
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Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a ....
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Harmonica Gift
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his Uncle Rodney, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."

"That's great,"....
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Christmas Signs:
Christmas Signs:

- From a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

- In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

- Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

- From a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."....
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Heard On Noah's Ark
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

7. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"....
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Christmas Card Blues
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although ....
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Learned From A Snowman
"All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "

--It's okay if you're a little bottom heav....
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Christmas Phrases
A study conducted by the Sociology Department at a college near me stated that the three phrases that are most used over the Christmas season are:
1) "Merry Christmas",

2) "Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year" and,

3) "What!!! Batteries not included.!"
....
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Plant Corn
There once was a farmer who felt that God was calling him to change his vocation. Sitting under a tree one day, he witnessed what he believed to be a miracle: the clouds seemed to form the letters P and C. Deciding that this was God’s way of telling him to “Preach Christ,” he sold his farm and his tractor, and began to p....
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Hard To Listen
A little six-year old boy restlessly struggled to listen to a rather lengthy sermon. After the service, the little boy asked the question that sooner or later most "church kids" ask. "Dad" he said, "what does the preacher do the rest of the week?" The dad replied, "Son, he’s a very busy man. He takes care o....
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The Grand Delusion
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginnin....
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Cheap Wedding
Tom's wife wasn't very attractive, but he was no oil-painting, either. After the ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

"Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife," replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the preacher $....
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A Diet Prayer
Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
....
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Otherwise Engaged
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.
Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

"Excuse me sir," the gentleman sa....
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Admittance to Heaven
Three doctors die and go to heaven. At the Gate they are met by Saint Peter. He asks the first doctor what he did, why he deserves to get into heaven. The first doctor replies. "I was an obstetrician in private practice all my life. I helped hundreds of women through their pregnancies and delivered hundreds of babies."Email this

Bat Solution
Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems...
"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."

"I tried trapping them alive," s....
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On Noahs Ark
Ten Things Overheard On Noah's Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "OK, who's the wise guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

7. "Help! I need som....
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Funeral Bells
A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plan....
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Our Shepherd
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. O....
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Bank Worries
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!"
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE ....
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Jurist Excuse
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.

"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll....
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Sermon Comment
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pa....
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Her Absolute Favorite
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men:

"For instance, gentlemen....
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Guardian Angel
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't ta....
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Horsing Around
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning.

Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in her hand.

"What was that for?" asked the husband.

The wife responded -- "Why do yo....
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Legal Ethics
An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100.

The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill.

When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another a second $100 bill stuck to it...

Im....
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Our Time in Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called 'woman'.

Then God explained, "This person will cook for you and was....
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The Good Samaritan?
Did you hear about the man in Germany who recently (within the past few years) went to his pastor to confess a sin and seek guidance?

"I have a sin to confess," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the pastor replied, "that's....
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I Earned It!
Once when I was looking for work (this is when I was younger and lacking much in wisdom or experience), I had the boldness to tell prospective employers that I believed I should be paid what I was worth. One particular employee put me in my place, but good!

"Well, Joe," he said, "I believe that too, but t....
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The Gift of Giving
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy delivering it to her:

"At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie, but in the meantime, you tell her I really appreciate it!"

"If you don't mind, Ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "....
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Better Preaching
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she conti....
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Church Cats
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window a....
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Lonely Looking Sky
A woman went to the beach with her children.
Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, &qu....
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Jean Squeeze
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"....
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Gone Urban
A devoutly-religious farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out w....
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Insured Voice
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two yea....
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Top Ten Tithe Check Memo Notes
10. Gross, not net—as usual!
9. Hush Money

8. Casino winnings!

7. For voice lessons for worship team!

6. Thanks for last night…

5. This equals 12%

4. Don’t cash before Wednesday

3. $1 less for every minute past noon

2. Please don’t spend on c....
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Bible Prophesy
A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" Email this

A Prayer for the Driving
A Mother and her five-year-old son were headed to McDonald's one day. As they traveled on the opposite side of the highway they passed a car accident near to the McDonald's restaurant.

As was the tradition when they see something terrible like that, they hurried to pray for those who might be hurt...

<....
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Fearing His Fate
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church.

Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Priest went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Priest asked, "How come, after all these years, we don't ....
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Communion Message
Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament.
Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered....
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Getting Married
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.
"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish ....
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